December 22, 2008 09:46 am
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By Guinn Sweet
sweettalk@mineralwellsindex.com
By Guinn Sweet
sweettalk@mineralwellsindex.com
Jonathan Swift, in his “An Argument Against Abolishing Christianity,” in 1708 said, “I conceive some scattered notions about a superior power to be of singular use for the common people, as furnishing excellent materials to keep children quiet when they grow peevish, and providing topics of amusement in a tedious winter-night.”
I think he foresaw the invention of computers and cell phones. Especially cell phones. Let me explain.
Everyone who has read some of my columns over the years know my difficulties with understanding of how a computer works and how to fix one that is giving me strange orders and directions, with the only solution to call in a grandson. I have now been convinced (by three daughters) that we need a cell phone to take along in our around-the-state travels. And “thereby hangs a tale,” as Shakespeare said in, “As You Like It.”
My first purchase was about three years ago when we set out on a trip to a 60th high school reunion in Melrose, N.M. It was one of those pre-paid little jobs you get at Wal-Mart. On that trip nearly all of the minutes I had bought were used by other folks who needed to call someone to bring the car keys, go by the grocery and pick up some potato salad, or to “hurry home while Colon and Guinn are still here.”
The thing was so little that I couldn’t dial it without hitting several unwanted keys with my stubby fingertips. As soon as we returned home, I gave it to L.J. and tried to forget it. The second time I purchased a cell phone was for another trip this fall, to a funeral in New Mexico. I have not really used it since.
Until now.
We plan to go to the coast for the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, so I got out the devilish little bugger and instruction book and began to study. At first I could not understand it, then I realized that it was written in Spanish. I got very short of breath, and then Colon turned the book over and upside down to reveal the directions in English. That helped some.
After the first instruction to turn the phone on, then I was directed to find the serial number! Now, why would I want to know that? The answer … I needed it to activate the phone. OK, all that had already been done in the store. After that, the whole thing became jibberish, after item 3.3, which instructed me how to make and receive calls. I had already found that out when we stopped at a convenience store near Colon’s brother’s home to call him and let him know we were nearby. I asked a customer how to turn it on and he showed me. Didn’t need the book after all.
Today, about two-to-three months later, I still haven’t received any calls because I never went to the next level, item 3.4, instructing me how to find my telephone number, so now I can’t tell anyone else how to get in touch.
The following items, 3.5 (Store telephone numbers) through 3.14 (tips) were so wordy and the pictures were so confusing that I haven’t looked further.
I can’t see why I would need to know how to store numbers, set up voice mail, get instructions on texting, choose a ring style (who is going to call if I can’t tell them the number?), or make international calls. The “tips” item tells how to sign up for exclusive e-mail that can earn me “hundreds of dollars per year” (oh, yeah, I’ll bet on that) and how to lock my phone. If I need to “lock” it, can’t I just turn it off or let the battery run down, or even give the phone to a grandson? The kids know more about these things than I do, so let him figure it out.
The Swift comment about a superior power and singular use, along with keeping children quiet, is beginning to make sense now!
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